*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
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[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
God tier horse name today on the sims
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
*me flirting
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
