My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Watching “Wizard of Oz”. I’d forgotten how the neighbor wants to kill Toto and Auntie Em and Uncle Henry were fine with it. Family fun!
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I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels…boy was I wrong
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I don’t mean to sound like a tough guy but I’ve been in New York City for almost two hours and I’ve only cried like 31 times…
[Target cashier stares at my fingerless gloves] Ah, couldn’t help notice you were admiring my hand vests.
I like long walks while holding hands.. which always seems a little awkward with strangers on the beach.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.