@juliussharpe

Watching “Wizard of Oz”. I’d forgotten how the neighbor wants to kill Toto and Auntie Em and Uncle Henry were fine with it. Family fun!

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@OneFunnyMummy

My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.

@Pmerrily

I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels…boy was I wrong

@sacha_is_good

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

@RobElliottComic

I don’t mean to sound like a tough guy but I’ve been in New York City for almost two hours and I’ve only cried like 31 times…

@shutupmikeginn

[Target cashier stares at my fingerless gloves] Ah, couldn’t help notice you were admiring my hand vests.

@Moi_RaRa

I like long walks while holding hands.. which always seems a little awkward with strangers on the beach.

@chuuew

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

@shutupmikeginn

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

@FrazzleMyGimp

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.