@juliussharpe

Watching “Wizard of Oz”. I’d forgotten how the neighbor wants to kill Toto and Auntie Em and Uncle Henry were fine with it. Family fun!

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@VerbsRProudest

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

@supermarkusa

Jehovah Witnesses are excited because now they Know y’all are gonna be home when they come knocking on the door.

@PaperWash

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

@heatherlarson77

Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss” I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are taking credit for it.

@UnFitz

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

@Kim_pulsive

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

@TheCiscoKidder

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

@TeaAndCopy

Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?

Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.

Me: …

Employee: …

Me: Or you’ll what?

@FuckabillyRex

Just apologized to my dog for being a crazy person, and I could tell by the way she didn’t respond that she’s been thinking it for a while.