Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
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Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
My love language is hissing.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.