Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
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I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
The cycle continues
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
“FRAAANCE!”
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth