Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?

Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”

– “We should call it AAAA!”

“You’re fired.”

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

Shout out to my kids.

BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.

50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]

ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?

ME: Because I care.

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.