Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
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Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
repaired
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last