Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready

🤣🤣🤣

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.

No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.

It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times