[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
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an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
The answer is funnier than the question
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty