Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.

I toured a defense contractor executive’s home

Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted

Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

OMG 🤣🤣

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

Cheer up.