Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
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He’s dead
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.