Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
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DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me