water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
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Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
#Caturday
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.