Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine

Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!

– I’ll have two then please.

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche