Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.

Me: I’d rather just confess.

Detective: To what?

Me: Whatever

I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”

twitter users today:

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.

Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:

Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

“snitches get stitches”

Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

Unimpressed

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

[pediatricians office]

8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!

Me: Please don’t say it like that.

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.