Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
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I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.