Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
You Might Also Like
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
oh you wanna fight?!
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow
Personal question. #JustSaying
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”