Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

– four physicians that I’ve outlived

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

Spa day..😅

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]