Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
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[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.