Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

Nobody:

Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

I just stopped by to water my horse.

Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this