Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will
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I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I love how people think those little cheese knives are for serving cheese, like awwww that’s cute no those are for *defending* your cheese, trust no one
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*