Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will
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What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?