water it, i dare you
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6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
My neck, my back, my…
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn