water it, i dare you
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I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Does it…does it take 3 days
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
“you recording!?”
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.