Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

universe: you deserve a break

me: wow thanks

universe: *winks*

me: *tumbles down the stairs*

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.

Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

phew

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design

bias laundering edition