Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
You Might Also Like
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.