Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.

Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.

No one:

Absolutely no one:

Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it