Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
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I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.
As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.