Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
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If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?