WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
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I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.