Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
You Might Also Like
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
Huge if true.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.