Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
You Might Also Like
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami