Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
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The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
British people
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Denise please return my vape pen
look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash