Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”

– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.

– Did we have snakes?

– Oh yes, thousands of em.

– I’ve never seen any sn…

– THOUSANDS!

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

My sex drive has a dui

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.

My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏

Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*

Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.

Her: oh.