water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
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It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Based Erika
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane