water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
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Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*