water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
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Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.