Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
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Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life