Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
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him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
this is a sign that you need a union
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Look, a pure bread cat!
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack