Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
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The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.