Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”

Bringing home a sharpie

only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”

TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie

One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.

People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”

*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that