Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
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Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results