watergate? u mean a dam??
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My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Frankenstein?
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.