watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
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It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
huge valentines day plans this year!!
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.