watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
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The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Well, shit
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
me refusing to leave twitter
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.