[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
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best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Smile they said.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area