Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

What’s so funny?

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.

All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?

Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?

The baby cheese crust.

Fruity

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.