Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you’re a capybara.

Capybara: yay!

God: you’re the largest rodent.

Capybara: double yay!

God: also you live in South America.

Capybara: so cool!

God: wow you’re in a great mood!

Capybara: just living my personal motto!

God: which is?

Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.

🤯🤯🤯

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:

I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

With grape soda comes grape responsibility.

Me: I want to buy a keyboard

Yamaha: yep

Me: … and a guitar

Yamaha: yeah we got you bro

Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?

Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.