Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
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You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+