Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun

zookeeper: your what

I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.

ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face