Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
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I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
fired
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
at ease…shoulder.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her