Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
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I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
You sure about that?
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Rambo Rambow
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?