Watermelon Boss!
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I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize