Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
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Squash

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ

*dolphin diving off a cliff*

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian

cute girl 2: i’m a vegan

me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.