Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
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[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed