Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
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In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness