Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
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A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
shampoo implies shampee
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.