Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
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I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Never forget.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs