Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
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Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda