*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
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Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
pizza
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer