Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”

The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

WFH: Work From Home

my brain: WaFfle House

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

You deplete me

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth

Me: Do you need a sample?

Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat

Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work

Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.