Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

Can. I. Help. You.

“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it

If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!

Firefighter:

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I’ll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble