Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.

-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?

-No clue.

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for

TRICERATOPS: I have three horns

QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”

Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]

Possum: [pops up]

Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]

Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]

Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

dr frankenstein: it’s alive!

igor: great! what should we name him

dr frankenstein: uh we won’t

igor: idk might lead to some confusion

dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.