Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.

who’s gonna tell her?

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?

When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November

In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.

Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”