Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

[NYE]

ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*

OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.