Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?

Me: Midnight77

BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign

just pretend nothing happened

“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

*gets into canoe*

Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!

*gets out of canoe*

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.

me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman

also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.