WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
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Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
If you breakdance you buy dance.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
Heroic Misunderstanding
