WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
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1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.