WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
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O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
#Caturday
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”