Watson was Holmes schooled
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The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”