Watson was Holmes schooled
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2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
@ candidates for local office
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
this article brought to you by lions
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”