@SkinnerSteven

Watson was Holmes schooled

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@BoomBoomBetty

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

@_NTFG_

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

@justokdane

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

@batkaren

Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.

@Tommytoughstuff

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

@Duchess______

Opening a restaurant called ‘Life’ there’ll be no menu, the waiter will just punch you in the face on arrival then bring you something you don’t like.

@CatsVsHumanity

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

@dire_beard

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

@GrantTanaka

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler