Watson was Holmes schooled
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I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…