H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Watson was Holmes schooled
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We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Opening a restaurant called ‘Life’ there’ll be no menu, the waiter will just punch you in the face on arrival then bring you something you don’t like.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler