Watson was Holmes schooled
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Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
This meal prepping shit is easy
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.