Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

he was correct

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..

You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…

[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!

*kid faints*

ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.

Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.

Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.

I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.

Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️

Wife: hey you shocked me!

Me: oh no! I am so sorry.

Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.

Me: [under breath] pika pika.

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”