Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…

Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?

Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.

My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅

4th year is going well.

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.

Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.

Me: Okay.

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes