WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
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“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Brands during Pride
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
So we got a goldfish…
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you